Some would say that the real heart and soul of the Wankingshire Puddlesluts is all bound up in this spindly little package of arms and legs – and we’re not talking about the sort of package you get in a Polish deli! Cassie Bogwollop is completely dedicated to her team and will do anything to win; she’s always first into the fray without any regard for her own safety. She’s an excitable, slightly manic girl who follows her gut more than her head, something that often puts her at odds with scheming Team Captain Millificent Throttlecock. She’s the de facto leader of the team whenever they have to stand up to Millificent. Cassie and Millificent do not like each other. Cassie’s high spirits and earthy vocabulary offend Millificent’s refined sensibilities. And Cassie bears an ancestoral grudge toward the Throttlecock family, ever since they killed her father. Cassie lives in a ramshackle hovel with her doting but overworked mother, Elizabeth. Cassie’s father was shot by the local lord of the manor for poaching a rabbit when she was still a baby. Cassie’s deceased father was a chimney sweep; her mother works as a scullery maid in the house of his murderer. But, hey, whatever pays the bills. One last thing: Cassie is Cockney.

Millificent Throttlecock plans to lead this team to victory – even if she has to do it without the team. Cold, calculating and arrogant, Millificent cares little for the well-being of her players and often feels that they’re holding her back from the champion status she knows she deserves. As such, she’s always got some plan to win at her teammates’ expense – whether it’s replacing them with super intelligent robots from the future or slipping performance-enhancing hormones into their afternoon tea. She’s an upperclass snot who’s used to having her way in everything. She speaks with a grating nasal monotone, beginning most of her sentences with a drawn-out “Mnnnnnyess.” Nothing scandalizes her as much as seeing a plebian lose their temper; she regards her hot-headed and emotional teammates to be little better than animals. To her, any sin is justified if done in a calm and collected manner. Despite her many disagreeable qualities, Millificent harbors a deep respect for the traditions of British aristocracy – like fox-hunting, coquette, and incestuous debauchery. She is the only member of the Puddlesluts that possesses anything remotely resembling class or culture. She wears a monocle in her left eye and sips constantly from an ever-present cup of tea. Millificent is quite rich, a fact that literally lets her get away with murder. Her father, blustering big game hunter and lord of the manor Lord Nigel Throttlecock, pretty much owns Wankingshire. (Nigel, incidentally, was the man who long ago shot Cassie’s father. For some reason, Cassie seems to still be rather sore about this!) Millificent and her father live in a sprawling mansion on a hill above the town.

Theresa McGiblets is a huge Scottish blob. But since her job is to plug up the goal with her massive backside, no one minds that she’s constantly gaining fat. Her exact weight is unknown, since there aren’t any livestock scales in town. Despite her enormous size, Theresa is a gentle giant who would never say an unkind word let alone use her bulk against an enemy. Her naïve and trusting nature means that she is easily bullied by Millificent, but she is also loyal to her teammates. She dislikes fighting and always tries to act as peacemaker – especially in the constant bickering between Molly and Mary Katharine. Her hobbies include the bagpipes, the caber toss, and compulsive overeating. Being Scottish, Theresa has a weakness for disgusting foods like haggis, hog jowels, fried badger ventricles, and otter pancreas soup. Theresa lives with her father and his gay lover, Angus and Cormac McGiblets. The two run a successful haggis business in town, and as a young girl Theresa appeared costumed in several embarrassing televised commercials as “The original stoat bladder girl.”

Molly is a Liverpudlian transsexual, although no one is quite sure if she (or he) is a male transitioning to a female or a female transitioning to a male. (In traditional Scrumby, the Offensive Titpuncher position is always played by a pre-op transsexual.) Most other characters sensitively use the pronoun “It” when referring to him or her. In fact, most of the villagers treat him (or her) quite rudely when he (or she) is off the field, although they’re quick to forget that when he (or she) is needed to win a game. As a result, Molly tends to be cynical and sarcastic, his (or her) eyes always heavy-lidded with ennui. He (or she) cares for his (or her) teammates, but has little patience for most other people. Poor Molly is just trying to find his or her place in an unsympathetic world. This makes him (or her) easy prey for unscrupulous hucksters, and he (or she) is always falling for obvious scams that promise to ease his (or her) transition process. He (or she) will send away money for experimental drugs made from eel secretions or dubious fungal remedies that he (or she) read about in “Obvious Bollocks Weekly,” or show up to practice with a face full of Colombian bog leeches (The Internet says they’ll restructure your face bones by sucking out your marrow). Molly has an uneasy relationship with Mary Katharine O’Canker, mostly because Mary Katharine is a bigot. Molly lives with his (or her) deeply religious – but luckily also completely blind and deaf – grandmother, Agatha Ricketts. Agatha seems to believe that Molly is some sort of dog.

Mary Katharine is a typical hot-headed Irish lass, devoted to her family, her faith, and, above all, the demon alcohol. Deeply Catholic and very conservative, Mary Katharine has a seething hatred for Molly, whom she regards as an abomination. The dislike is mutual, although the two will cooperate in a pinch to win a game. Mary Katharine is always yelling, usually about things that she doesn’t know anything about. She seems incapable of using her indoor voice. Her constant drinking means that she is rarely sober, and has a tendency to pass out at inopportune times. She also has frequent bouts of the delirium tremens. Although most residents of Wankingshire are working class, Mary Katharine is dirt poor. She lives with her father, Catholic priest Shamus O’Canker (No one seems to notice the contradiction there) and an ever-changing number of siblings. Despite the fact that Mary Katharine’s saintly mother – God preserve her soul – is long dead of the typhoid, new siblings are continuously appearing in the O’Canker household. No one seems to think this strange. When not playing Scrumby, Mary Katharine helps to support her ever-increasing family by working the night shift in a local corned beef-and-whiskey cannery.

Honeydew Melons is the roving BBC reporter who covers the Puddlesluts for British television. Like every character in “Rule, Britannia,” she embodies a hoary old British stereotype – in this case a swingin’ 1960s mod rocker. Hailing from the big city, she’s a hepcat who keeps up with all the latest trends and slang of the 1960s. Honeydew Melons is extremely enthusiastic about her beat, and will pop into the screen at various point throughout an episode to deliver interesting news and trivia about the Puddlesluts, their upcoming games, or just Scrumby in general. Honeydew Melons is only one member of the wide-ranging Melons family. Like the Puddlesluts themselves, there appear to be Melons working as sports reporters in every country of the world, like her American cousin Canteloupe or her Brazilian counterpart Piel de Sapo or her Japanese analogue 100 Dollar Square.

Witchprickers

Doom Town    Church Cat